Dealing with an individual with a narcissistic personality can be exhausting. From constant gaslighting to feelings of insecurity and trust issues, indulging in relationships with narcissists can be one of the most difficult things one may endure. It is important to learn your limits and how to set boundaries with a person who exhibits these behaviors. Before delving into how to set boundaries with a narcissist, it is important to fully understand narcissistic personality disorder.
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
According to Mayo Clinic, “narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.” Narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life – such as relationships, work, school, or financial affairs.
People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they are not given the special favors or admiration that they believe they deserve. They also may find their relationships unfulfilling, and others may not enjoy being around them, all of which are reasons why it is important to establish boundaries with an individual of such nature.
How to Set Boundaries with a Narcissist
According to Psychology Today, there are several ways in which you can go about setting boundaries with a narcissist. Here are some of which you can implement today –
- Do not justify, explain, or defend yourself. Narcissists use scrutiny or intimidation to make others second-guess themselves. Doing so gives them a feeling of power and control. Part of boundary-setting is the right to decide what you share with others. The less you share – particularly personal information – the less a narcissist has to use against you.
- Leave when it does not feel healthy. You do not need permission from anyone to exit a destructive interaction. You, not others, get to determine what is healthy for you.
- Decide what you will tolerate and what you will not. A key component of setting healthy boundaries is knowing when to say no and doing so. Ask yourself what you are willing to accept from others and what you are not. When you set such boundaries, narcissists may cycle through their repertoire: arguing, blaming, minimizing your feelings, acting like a victim, saying that you are too sensitive, or becoming rageful. While such tactics can be unpleasant to endure, your boundaries are not up for discussion.
- Learn to artfully sidestep intrusive questions or negative comments. Skilled political spin doctors sidestep difficult questions from journalists by simply answering a different question — generally, a question they wish they had been asked that can promote their agenda.
- Take the bully by the horns. Narcissists hunger for attention and approval to counteract deep, unconscious feelings of emptiness and unworthiness. As a result, they endlessly test to see what they can get away with. One way to meet this is to call out what they are doing.
- Do not underestimate the power of narcissism. Remember that narcissists have spent a lifetime learning how to devalue and take advantage of others. Narcissism is a powerful psychological phenomenon based on distorted views of self, others, and the world. Most people are unnerved by narcissistic tactics. If you come from a narcissistic upbringing or are in a long-term relationship with a narcissist, you may be conditioned to accept unhealthy behavior. If you do not set healthy boundaries in a given situation, have compassion for yourself. Identify what you want to do differently next time and move on. Boundary-setting is not a one-time event.
- Remember that good boundaries include consequences. Part of setting boundaries is knowing what you are prepared to do if your boundaries are ignored. Consequences are best when they are clear in your mind ahead of time. Then, when a boundary is violated, act on your chosen consequence immediately, decisively, and every single time. Otherwise, you may lose credibility.