More often than not, many of us find ourselves being victims of the circumstances that our life has exposed us to. We fall into places that we cannot bring ourselves out of and begin to feel hopeless against this hardship. No matter how unbearable our pain is, it also feels like it is never-ending. Our wounds stay open often because we, ourselves, do not know how to shut it, or maybe we do not even want to because we have grown so accustomed to it that actually putting in the effort and trying to fight for our own lives becomes so difficult to the point where we see it as impossible. As a result, we fall into the habit of victimizing ourselves for the problems that we have been exposed to and sticking to “how we felt at that point in time rather than what we can do to face it and fight it. While the issues that we all face should not, in any way, be downplayed, the way we react to them makes all the difference. This all being said, it is way easier said than done. The purpose of this article is to showcase the various tendencies that many of us have to victimize ourselves and the ways in which we do it. It will also provide guidance on how to dig ourselves out of the hole of victimization, in which many of us live.
What Does “Self-Victimization” Mean?
When we self-victimize, it means that we label ourselves as victims and blame our problems on external factors. As perfectly stated by the Harley Therapy Counseling blog, “a victim mentality, on the other hand, means that you identify with your status of a victim and become reliant on pity. The trauma did not just happen to you. It becomes who you are.”
There are various beliefs that fall under the umbrella of having a victim mentality, which include believing that bad things can happen and always will, blaming external sources for your unhappiness, and believing that there is no point in trying to create a change because there is no successful outcome. These beliefs can be extremely detrimental to mental health. In fact, there has been a correlation between having a victim mentality and having a low self-regard. In other words, if you perceive yourself in a bad light, you are more likely to play the victim and put yourself down. Various classifications of self-victimization include avoiding responsibility; not seeking solutions to problems; feeling powerless; self-sabotage; low self-confidence; and anger, frustration, and dislike.
To avoid responsibility means to keep on giving excuses for things that you can control. For example, this may be promising to get something done on a specific date but failing to abide by this date and then blaming this issue on something external, when in reality, the delay occurred because of you starting late with it. Moreover, avoiding responsibility means that you also make excuses or react to problems you face with, “it is not my fault”. Although there are times where it really is not your fault, there are various situations which include different degrees of personal responsibility.
The second classification, which is not seeking solutions to problems, means that you tend to find it hard, or even impossible, to fix an issue you are trying to deal with even though this issue is, in fact, fixable. In other words, you give up and just feel bad about it, stating that you cannot control it when, in reality, you are able to, but it just requires effort and for you to actually believe that this situation can be changed for the better. Furthermore, you tend to reject probable solutions to these problems and continuously wallow in your misery. While it is not wrong for you to actually feel whatever pain you experience, doing so in a non-productive and prolonged way ruins your mental health and makes you zoom into that particular problem that you faced. You begin to define yourself based on that issue that you have gone through.
Third, feeling powerless means that you believe that you do not have the power to control the situation you face. You want things to go perfectly well, and when they do not, you feel like there is nothing you can do about it because you do not have the strength to.
Fourth, self-sabotage is understood as the demeaning words you tell yourself. These include believing that you deserve bad things, thinking no one cares about you, and the like. What is more is that the various difficulties that you encounter in your life can make self-sabotage a norm to the point where you begin to firmly believe these statements about yourself. This makes it extremely hard to steer clear from negativity and change. It becomes a force of habit to live out these negative words shown about yourself.
The anger and frustration that you feel also comes with the victim mentality. This will exhaust your mental health and capabilities. These big feelings come when you feel jealous of the success of others or hurt when you believe that someone does not love or care for you; helpless and hopeless about never-changing situations; and angry that “the world is against you”. These raging emotions build up over time and result in bursts of anger, depression, and loneliness.
Where Does “Self-Victimization” Stem From?
Self-victimization is an excruciatingly harsh and painful road, one that ruins the sense of well-being and even makes you question your identity. Moreover, it physically takes a toll on your body. So, where does it come from? Where do we get this tendency to place ourselves in a victimizing position, ruining our moods for the long run and our tendencies to apply ourselves and enhance our capabilities? Why do we find it easier to just internalize contorted views of ourselves, rather than seek and apply the changes that we so fully want? Surely, people who are victimizing themselves are not overly dramatic, so why do they find this tendency to do so?
There are multiple situations that are associated with self-victimization. These include going through a past traumaticsituation, where you felt a specific feeling at a point in time in an excruciating way, and this feeling rose every time you remembered said situation or even went through something similar. Self-victimization is a result of this traumatizing situation or abuse. The more you are consistently exposed to this hard situation and feel the same feeling, the more you are likely to indulge in self-victimization in your future years, as a coping mechanism to what you went through. You go back to being that helpless individual, not being able to take on responsibility or decide on things that can better your career and life.
A second situation includes ultimate betrayal consistently. When you are constantly betrayed by someone you trusted, this prompts self-victimization, as well as trust issues. In other words, whenever a different person, say, betrays you in a way, you develop a reaction to this situation, either by blaming the world for constantly not being fair or by feeling the very same feeling you felt when you were betrayed and not knowing how to stop feeling it.
Co-dependency also prompts self-victimization. In other words, when you continuously sacrifice a lot for a partner, your resent for them and the situation intensifies and makes you place yourself in the “victim” position, blaming external factors on your unhappiness and unfulfillment and making it seem impossible to change the situation you are in.
Finally, self-victimization is also associated with manipulative toxifying behavior. In other words, you tend to take on the role of the victim on purpose because you want to blame others for things that you have caused and want to make others feel guilty. This behavior is manipulative and attention-seeking. Furthermore, it is often associated with “narcissistic personality disorder”. However, it may not always be the case, and it depends on the diagnosis.
What do we do about our tendency to self-victimize?
When it comes to self-victimization, it is essential to visit a therapist in order to help you understand why you do it. You can unlearn self-victimization, but it is exceptionally hard, especially when it comes to past trauma like abuse. Yet, it is not impossible. It is important to be aware of this tendency and try to tackle this issue. This is key to becoming a “healthy” person. A healthy person is defined as those who “see that they are choosing what is happening to them and see their power to take charge.” Dealing with your self-victimization means that you will have to face the anger, shame, fear, and sadness that playing the victim conceals you from. It is not easy, but it is important to do it in order to enhance yourself and gain the strength you have hidden within you.