Trigger warning: this article discusses borderline personality disorder. This article is solely for educational purposes. If you or someone you know feel like you are struggling with borderline personality disorder, please seek professional help for an evaluation.
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is considered one of the most complex disorders known to psychologists today. From constant misdiagnoses to therapists turning down patients claiming that the illness is oftentimes “too hard to treat,” BPD is highly stigmatized as well as misunderstood in society and the mental health community alike. Individuals with BPD may not be able to fully express their feelings, triggers, and interfering behaviors in an effective manner while communicating with others. Additionally, BPD makes it hard for people to deal with the normal ups and downs of relationships, but that does not mean that it is impossible, hence why it is of great significance to educate yourself if you have a loved one who struggles with the disorder. Learn more about how people with BPD convey their emotions and how you can learn how to properly communicate with them in order to maintain a healthy and happy relationship.
BPD and Communicating Effectively
People with BPD use external information learned through dialectical behavioral therapy and/or other means of acquiring coping mechanisms to regulate emotions and form a sense of self. This can mean that when their relationships are going well, they feel good about themselves. On the other hand, when they perceive a sense of threat towards the relationship whether internal or external, the individual struggling with the disorder feels emotions so intensely that it can feel like their entire world is falling apart.
BPD patients have a hard time grasping the concept that someone can be upset with them in the given moment and do not understand that these feelings, oftentimes, pass. You can help them by reminding them that you still care about them while taking some space and setting boundaries based on how you feel about the given situation. Keep reading to learn just how to do it!
- Separate the Person from Their Behavior
People with BPD often act out due to the intensity of their emotions and this may result in explosive anger or other forms of release. It is important to remember that nobody is good or bad and that people are more than just their diagnosis and symptoms. Make an effort to see your loved one as separate from their emotions or behavior towards the situation and remember that people are always trying their best, even if, sometimes, their best is not necessarily “good”.
- Set Boundaries
If you over-extend yourself, you will become resentful. If you become resentful, the person with BPD will pick up on it and start worrying that you will leave. People with BPD often experience abandonment issues as one of their symptoms, which can be detrimental to the situation as it can cause them to act out even more than if you set clear boundaries and clarify that you will revisit the situation at a later time. In the moment, you can identify what you can and cannot do for someone, let them know, and stand by your promises.
- Never Assume Motive
When someone disappoints us or hurts us, it is easy for us to make assumptions about their motives as to why they have done this. Even in non-BPD relationships, it is quite unhelpful, but it is especially harmful in relationships with people with BPD. People with BPD are often deemed as manipulative, but this is only due to the intensity of the emotions that they feel and their inability to effectively communicate their feelings, wants, and needs in relationship-threatening situations. Always remember that it is difficult for people struggling with BPD to control these emotions and try to give them the benefit of the doubt in the situation. Completely avoid the “M-word”. They are trying.
- Validate Them
You do not have to understand or agree with something for it to be valid. We are not in control of how other people see their world, and often, with people with BPD, they are not in control of how they perceive their world either. If someone is having an emotional experience that you do not understand, try not to force them to explain it to you. Acknowledge that they are entitled to their own experience and validate them.
- Get Support
All relationships are hard. Loving someone with BPD can be even harder. You deserve support and a safe place to process your emotions. Additionally, support allows you to understand your own relationship patterns which can also be helpful. Find a therapist or a support group, read books about setting boundaries, and share with your loved one that you are doing this in order to improve your relationship, even if it means devoting some time away from them.
If you or someone you know suspect that they are struggling with BPD, it is important to seek professional help for a clear diagnosis and further psychological evaluation or treatment.