Carl Rogers once said that “empathy is in itself a healing agent. It is one of the most potent aspects of therapy because it releases and confirms. It brings even the most frightened client into the human race. If a person is understood, he or she belongs.”
The Power of Being Understood
Too often, we come across situations where someone we know is going through something difficult, challenging, or upsetting. Still, instead of sitting down and actively listening to them, we tend to disassociate, chastise, or provide unsolicited advice when at that very moment, all they need is someone to listen. As a society, we underestimate the value of taking the time to listen to the other person passively. Immediately, we tend to turn on our saviour mode, offering various approaches, methods, and solutions they can use to tackle their problem. However, what we do not realize at that moment is that the only person who possesses the power to save themselves is the the person going through the problem. Genuinely listening to someone while they are at their most vulnerable state is one of the most potent acts of kindness an individual can do for another person because it requires actively laying down your prejudices and ways of thinking and stepping into the mind of another – someone who might be entirely at odds from the way you approach things.
In his book Counseling and Psychotherapy, Rogers explains the power of reflective listening. As the therapist listens to each statement uttered by the client, through their expertise, they can identify problematic ways of thinking. However, Rogers urges the therapist to keep these insights to themselves, as interrupting the flow of the thoughts of their client would inadvertently raise their defences. Therefore, instead of immediately offering their professional opinion, the therapist would allow the client to keep talking, allowing them to identify the errors in their thinking, which would lead to behavioural changes over time. Through fostering an environment of acceptance, the person can truly feel heard, understood, and seen. Once they can see their most vulnerable selves accepted through the eyes of others, they can begin embracing themselves – flaws and all.
Shame & Guilt: A Counterintuitive Approach
Unfortunately, common methods used alternatively to empathetic listening are shaming the other person, making them feel worse through blame, and guilt. However, this exacerbates the issue and fosters a sense of disconnect rather than connection. Empathy builds on vulnerability and creates stronger relationships externally and internally. Shame, on the other hand, aggravates internal turmoil and emotional reactivity, as well as alienates individuals from others and connecting with their deepest selves. So, it has become increasingly necessary to normalize these thought processes. Instead of using shame and guilt to alienate individuals, empathy and connection are needed more than ever to foster positive relationships and acceptance, which ultimately can lead to extraordinary growth.