In 1992, a book written by Gary Chapman changed the course of how we conceptualize and talk about love. It was called The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. In his book, later turned into a series of books, Chapman outlined five ways partners may express and experience love, which he dubbed the “love languages”.
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Words of Affirmation
Over the past few years, chances are that you might have learned or heard about these languages through social media. Undeniably, they have become increasingly popular and have easily made their way into general human knowledge. Unfortunately, social media is known for its ability to spread misinformation and regardless, it is difficult to capture the complexity of what Chapman was trying to describe in a 30-second video. This article attempts to provide readers with a basic understanding of what the love languages really are, as well as resolve some of the wider misconceptions people may hold about them.
Acts of Service
Actions truly speak louder than words here. It can best be described as doing something for your partner that you know they would like, such as doing their share of the chores when they are stressed, helping them out with their work, or cooking food for them. Pay attention to the finer things here and notice what your partner might not enjoy doing – do those things. This language requires that you to give some time and effort, but it may be worth it if this is what your partner needs.
Physical Touch
This love language, contrary to popular belief, is not all about intimate touch. A hug, a shoulder squeeze, a handhold, even a pat on the back can be an expression of love that is just as meaningful to your partner. Note that it is even possible to express this language in long distance relationships through video chats where you give them your undivided attention.
Quality Time
This is all about staying in the moment and actively being present with your partner. It may sound simple enough but is in fact hard to do in the age of technology. Keep these things in mind when dedicating time to your partner. Resist the urge to do something else while they are talking and keep your technology away when you have time planned together. Do not mistake this language for neediness. Your partner is not needy – they just appreciate spending time with you.
Receiving Gifts
This language does not mean that your partner is materialistic. It is more about the sentiment than the material value of the gift. A person with this love language needs to see tangible things as an expression and reminder of love. Mark Williams, a licensed mental health counselor says, “Whether that item is a tiny trinket from a thrift store or a 50-foot sailboat is inconsequential. Either convey the same message: I was thinking about you when I saw this. You are always on my mind.” In other words, this gift is not about displays of extravagance, it is about displays of your love.
Words of Affirmation
Earlier, actions spoke louder than words. With this language, the opposite is true. This is the most common love languageaccording to Chapman and in this case, words will speak volumes to your partner. Your partner will especially appreciate compliments, handwritten notes, supportive comments, and hearing what they mean to you and others. The goal is to express your appreciation, verbally and explicitly.
What The Love Languages Are Not
- “Love Languages are the only way to express love to your partner”. They are most certainly not the only metric of conceptualizing love. They were introduced as a first attempt to capture the different ways love can be expressed and you may exhibit all of the love languages given the context, some of them, or none at all.
- “You have to have the same love language as your partner”. Coexisting peacefully is not dependent upon whether or not your partner matches your expression of love. Unfortunately, science is never as simple as that and whether or not your love languages match cannot determine the fate of your relationship.
- “The focus should be on understanding your love language”. No. This has lately been the result of the discussion of love languages by the general population, who have probably never even heard of Chapman or his book. Chapman emphasizes that learning the love languages of others and modifying our own behavior accordingly is key. Instead, people have been only seeking people with their own love language or placing ultimatums on their partner to learn and “speak” theirs. This seems to have greatly reduced the true intended value of love languages as a relationship tool.
Ultimately, love languages should be used as a potential way of understanding your partner better. Chapman was not trying to place us and our expressions of love into restrictive boxes. Instead, he was trying to open us up to the possibility that people may love differently and to increase our understanding and accommodation of that. The love languages are a relationship tool, not an identity. As Chapman said himself, “It is my sincere hope and belief that the Love Language™ concepts will help you to love better and grow closer.”
Curious? To find out your love language, you can take the quiz here.