“If they wanted to, they would” has become a popular phrase used to explain the reasoning behind a lack of effort within relationships. Like all catchy and common sayings, it is important to gain perspective and reflect on the information we are consuming. With that in mind, let us challenge the notion that if someone really wanted to show up for you, they would.
People Are Not Mind Readers
Your partner, parent, or friend lives within their own reality. Reality refers to what exists around us. Human beings can go through the same event and experience it from entirely different perspectives. Our history, trauma, and life endeavors pave the way to our reality, hence why realism is subjective.
Human beings have a perceptual system, which resembles a two-way highway. One side is called the bottom-up processing. This refers to the basic sensory data we take in by an experience such as seeing the colors of a flower. The other is called top-down processing. This process is influenced by the impact our previous life experience has on our current reality. Together, they formulate our ideas, thoughts, feelings, and actions. This further explains how something that comes naturally to one person might be completely foreign to someone else.
Life Experience Plays a Role
Attachment styles and love languages play a fundamental role in the way we express love. The formation of your attachment differs depending on how effectively your needs were met as a child. The three most common attachment styles – namely secure, anxious, and avoidant – help us understand why we attach, or not attach, to others the way we do. Those with an anxious attachment express it differently as opposed to those with an avoidant or secure attachment style. This also trickles into the way we express love. The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and gifting. Given how complex and vastly ranged these elements are within the formation of the habits of a person, the expectation that any other person would be able to fully satisfy our needs is unrealistic and unsustainable. Therefore, it is safe to assume that, in most cases, it is not the absence of love but rather the unfamiliar expressions of it. Your loved ones might want to show up for you, but they are doing it in ways they know how. It is, however, still important to ask for what you need within relationships. This is because it avoids the chance of resentment forming within the relationship, creates a safe space to have open and healthy communication, strengthens connections, and creates a sense of security between two people.
Tips for Communicating Your Needs
Note that this is not specific to romantic relationships only. In fact, all kinds of relationships can benefit from healthy communication.
- Identify your needs – what are the elements, boundaries, and non-negotiables you need within your relationships? Knowing this increases self-awareness. In this way you can voice your needs and understand if a relationship is working for you or not.
- Creating a safe space to have the conversation – this includes choosing a reasonable time and place, as well as asking the person if they have the mental capacity to converse. By taking care in creating a healthy environment, you increase the chances of being heard and understood.
- Using “I” statements – expressing yourself from this point of view, such as “I feel hurt” or “I need this because”, allows for the focus to stay on your personal feelings.
- Being cautious of language use – Being aware of how you say things can be just as important as communicating them. This prevents others from feeling attacked or blamed.
While there might lie truth in the notion that those who love you will try to prioritize your needs, it is also true that human beings are complex, imperfect, and unique. To create sustainable relationships that satisfy your needs, it is vital to express them directly and kindly.