Maybe it is a friend who struggles with anxiety, a cousin who struggles with their body image, a younger sibling that shows maladaptive thought patterns, or a colleague that seems burnt out. There are many who struggle around us, giving us valid reasons to believe that they might benefit from seeking professional mental healthcare. However, oftentimes, suggesting the same proves to be an intricate and disconcerting task. How do we show we care without aggravating the person further? What is the right way to suggest therapy to a loved one?
Prepare For Resistance
Before you even begin, you need to prepare for their potential resistance towards your suggestion. You will need a convincing argument to help highlight to them the potential benefits that therapy could have. The National Alliance on Mental Health suggests –
- Telling them how important your relationship with them is and how therapy might improve it even more. However, avoid giving ultimatums – these can cause more emotional distress.
- Instead of being completely critical, naming their admirable qualities will make it easier to motivate them to better themselves further through therapy.
- Explain specific areas of problematic behavior without being judgmental. Many people do not realize problematic patterns and sometimes gently pointing those out may help them recognize the need for therapy.
Perhaps, most importantly, as Sheila Tucker, marriage and family therapist, says, actively listen to their resistance and try not to get offended – not everyone is ready for therapy, no matter how much you may think it will benefit them.
Be Sensitive to Timing and Place
Much like most difficult conversations, you will need to be sensitive to the time and place you bring this up. Brandi Lewis, owner of Reach Counseling Solutions, suggests bringing it up in a one-on-one conversation, ideally shortly after the issue has arisen so that the person can see your concern – as long as you are not using therapy as an argument tactic or a weapon against them in a fight, which would only further add to the stigma surrounding it. Ultimately, talking to someone about mental health requires emotional sensitivity as well as physical sensitivity.
Destigmatize the Experience and Watch Your Language
Unfortunately, mental health is something that has always been haunted by stigma. Therefore, suggesting that someone explore therapy may first require you to help mitigate that stigma for them. This could involve using appropriate language or reminding them that mental health requires just as much importance as physical health. Catherine Jackson, a psychologist and neurotherapist, says, “would you break your leg and wait for it to heal? No. You go to a medical doctor and trust that doctor to help you fix your leg and to help it heal correctly. The same is true of mental health. There is no need to sit at home and simply wait for it to get better.” Another thing to keep in mind is that it is important not to make the person feel that they are at fault for their emotional or mental challenges. You can reinstate this by using language that is focused on the “I” instead of the “you”. For example, “I feel therapy might be a helpful option,” is a more useful thing to say than “you should go to therapy.” You should also avoid imposing your will on someone by using words such as “must”, “should”, and “have to”. It is bad enough that there is any stigma attached to dealing with emotional and mental challenges. Phrases like “crazy”, “not well in the head”, and “mentally ill” are not great in any conversation. Be mindful of your words and conscious of the effect that you may have on this person during this sensitive time.
Bring All Your Empathy, But None of Your Sympathy
Empathy involves understanding, whereas sympathy involves pitying. It is a distinct difference but a subtle boundary to cross. Pitying someone has connotations that you feel sorry for them and place yourself above them. This could make the person feel ashamed or weak for their mental health when, in fact, most of us will struggle with our mental health at some point in our lives. Do not add to the stigma. Do not pity.
Do Not Make Promises
You are not a soothsayer! Ethically speaking, even a therapist cannot make promises, predictions, or guarantees about what they can do. Therefore, it may be very damaging to tell someone that therapy will help them when you cannot guarantee this. Making such claims about a therapist can set up false expectations or give a person something to fear. This reinstates the importance of being conscious about your language choice when having a conversation with someone about their mental health.
Remind Them and Yourself That This Is Their Choice
Therapy will only work if the person is willing to put the work in – one cannot do this if they have been forced into it. Always maintain that this is optional with liberal use of comments such as, “it is really up to you,” “I am not sure if I am right, but it is something you can decide for yourself,” and “it is not a requirement, just a thought.” If you are someone who has been to or is in therapy, another way to do this is by bringing in your own experience into the conversation – “I tried this and it really benefitted me, so I thought it may help you.” Moreover, making it personal also has the added benefit of reducing embarrassment about going to therapy. However, ultimately it will always be their decision and forcing them there may end up doing more harm than good. This can be very frustrating, but no matter how much you care for someone, you cannot lead their life for them. Forcing them into therapy may only lead to them distancing themselves from you during a time when they really need a social support system in their lives. By having this conversation with them, you have shown your support and care, having gone above and beyond most people.
Share how you are feeling as openly, honestly, and kindly as possible, and know that they can only use this information when they are genuinely ready. Then, gather up all your patience and leave them to make the choice for themselves.