Gaslighting – a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgement. Does this sound familiar to you? Perhaps you’ve experienced gaslighting from a partner, a friend, or even a parent? Unfortunately, gaslighting is quite common in toxic relationships and the effects of being gaslit can, in fact, be extremely severe. Gaslighting is a common tactic used by narcissists and they often use it when defiant and aware of something that they have done that can negatively impact a relationship, hence they become defensive and cause the opposing individual to question themselves and their own actions to wean themselves out of the situation. Before delving into how to pinpoint being gaslit, it is important to fully understand narcissistic personality disorder.
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
According to Mayo Clinic “Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.” Gaslighting is a form of narcissism and sociopathic tendencies as they look to gain power over someone which feeds into their inflated sense of self and their perception that they are superior to others.
Like most cases of abuse, gaslighting is about control. Over time, the abuser may convince the victim that they cause the abuser’s aggression and other toxic traits, but how can you tell when you are being gaslit in order to avoid this?
How to Pinpoint Being Gaslit by a Narcissist
According to Robin Stern, PhD, author of the book “The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life,” signs that you are a victim of gaslighting include:
- No longer feeling like the person you used to be
- Being more anxious and less confident than you used to be
- Often wondering if you’re being too sensitive
- Feeling like everything you do is wrong
- Always thinking it’s your fault when things go wrong
- Apologizing often
- Having a sense that something’s wrong, but being unable to identify what it is
- Often questioning whether your response to your partner is appropriate (e.g., wondering if you were too unreasonable or not loving enough)
- Making excuses for your partner’s behavior
- Avoiding giving information to friends or family members to avoid confrontation about your partner
- Feeling isolated from friends and family
- Finding it increasingly hard to make decisions
- Feeling hopeless and taking little or no pleasure in activities you used to enjoy
Common Forms of Gaslighting
People who gaslight know your sensitivities and vulnerabilities and use that knowledge against you. They make you doubt yourself, your judgment, your memory, and even your sanity. Here are some common tactics used in gaslighting:
- Trivializing how you feel: “Oh yeah, now you’re going to feel really sorry for yourself.”
- Telling you that people are talking behind your back: “Don’t you know? The whole family talks about you. They think you’re losing it.”
- Saying things to you that they later deny having said: “I didn’t say I’d take the deposit to the bank. What are you talking about? Thanks a lot for the insufficient funds fee we’re going to get.”
- Hiding objects from you, and then deny knowing anything about it: “You seriously can’t find your sunglasses again? That’s alarming.”
- Insisting you were or were not at a certain place, even though it’s not true: “You’re crazy. You never went to that show with me. I should know.”