Forming long-lasting friendships are one of the most prominent relationships we, as individuals, can form. These friendships help us grow, shape our identities, and are extremely crucial for survival. Though, sometimes, these long-lasting relationships are not exactly healthy, nor good for us. In fact, these relationships can sometimes be toxic, especially when your friend starts to act controlling, gets dissatisfied whenever you do something without their “permission”, or starts to gaslight you – among many other factors that will be discussed.
This article aims to outline what it means to have a toxic friend, how to notice the signs, and how to cut ties immediately upon noticing the signs to avoid hurting your mental health – that is, if your mental health was not already damaged.
The Definition of a Toxic Friend
A toxic friendship is a type of friendship that breaks us rather than makes us. In fact, we are left reeling from the aftershocks of it, especially if it is a friendship that we have been invested in since day one for years. To quote clinical psychologist Gillian Needleman, in a toxic friendship, “you are unable to have a meaningful and positive connection with the other person, and this often leaves you questioning yourself.” Instead of benefitting from the blossoming friendship that you have built with a loyal loved one, the friendship has you questioning yourself, blaming yourself, and pretty much does the opposite of what a healthy relationship or friendship should be doing. It stunts your growth, instead. Furthermore, when this friendship is something that you have been invested in for so long, you tend to fail to notice the signs. In fact, you tend to disbelieve that these actions are toxifying because you have not only become accustomed to them, but to the friendship and your friend himself or herself. This makes cutting ties immensely tough.
How do we notice that our friendship is a toxic one?
There are several signs we need to notice in order to understand whether the friend we have is a toxic one. Understandably so, even placing our friends in a scrutinizing light is hard, especially when the bond that we have formed with that friend is unbreakable. The signs include –
Controlling behavior – Your friend starts to interfere in your personal decisions and life – what you wear, what time you go out and with whom, why you are majoring in X subject, who your significant other is, and the like. Any friend can inquire about your decisions harmlessly, but when they start scrutinizing your every move and judging you based on whatever you do, this is when things get messy. You find yourself wanting to hide the decisions you are making so as to not be forced into not doing them or doing something else – or even criticized for them.
Inconsiderate behavior – Your friend always has to have things their way, not giving room for you to give suggestions. In fact, your friend would tend to disregard whatever suggestions you do give, or they make you out to be some kind of idiot because they are not “good” suggestions. Furthermore, they proceed to convince you to go with their way until you do.
Giving unwanted advice – Your friend tends to offer their “advice” unaccounted for, and this makes them seem opinionated and “self-righteous”. It showcases that they believe that their advice is essential and that you need to take it, even though you never asked for their opinion in the first place. Your friend truly believes that they are always right, and that is why giving you their opinion and telling you what to do is helpful – to them.
Criticizing behavior – Your friend puts you down with every mistake you do. If you do not take their advice, you are blamed. If you decide on going with a decision you had made, without consulting them, they will be critical of it and you. In fact, it is under this category where gaslighting is seen. These friends place you in a position where you feel like you are wrong all the time, and that it is your fault for that.
Egotistical behavior – This friend talks about himself or herself more than you. In other words, say you have an issue, and you need to discuss it with someone. This friend tends to change the discussion and make it about him or her. For example, let us say that you are discussing what to do due to an issue at work. This friend would say something like this, “if you had listened to me, you would not be in this situation in the first place.” Here, we see criticizing behavior, giving unwanted advice, and even controlling behavior all shown in one sentence. The world somehow revolves around this friend, and they are more important than anyone else.
They are unhappy for your success – This friend does not want to see you shine on your own. They are jealous of your progress and success. Why? This is potentially due to the fact that they believe that you will not need them anymore if you shine on your own, and this is something that they cannot have happen. They see it as losing you. They already have their insecurities that make them become toxifying friends anyway, and to see you be independent without them will intensify these insecurities and make them question themselves.
Mental Health Effects of Toxic Friendships
When we encounter toxic friends and build long-lasting relationships with them, we are left emotionally damaged in this situation. The various effects of these toxic friendships include increased loneliness and stress, lack of self-esteem and confidence, lack of support, and self-blame. Furthermore, your other relationships take a hit, and you often have an intuitive feeling that shows you that there is something off. This feeling is normal when you are constantly experiencing such negativity and manipulation with a friend.
What to Do with Toxic Friends
Upon noticing the signs, a red alarm should sound in your mind. You should build your boundaries and clarify the lines that your “friend” is not supposed to cross. After you build these boundaries, you may be tempted to give your friend a second chance. While maybe this could work, it is often not a preferred method, especially if we are looking at the fact that this friend has infiltrated various aspects of your life and has controlled them. In fact, you may not be able to completely stop the same cycle from happening again, assuming you talk things out and they “apologize”.
Hence, to avoid falling into the trap, and to regain your independence and self-worth, it is essential you take time off for yourself. Boundaries are also essential in general, if you still may want to stay in contact with the friend. Clarify what behaviors are accepted and what is not and stick to these boundaries. Ending the friendship is also an option that is an effective one, but choosing where to do it is essential, in addition to outlining what you want to say. This will give you the confidence and assertiveness to stick to your decision. It is essential that you be direct with this friend, and upon cutting ties with them, do not accept any form of communication with them.
When it comes to such emotionally tiring relationships, you often find it harder to connect with others, and this is where finding someone truly supportive should come in handy, especially considering the emotional turmoil that the relationship had you feeling. Most importantly, take good care of yourself and practice self-care. After cutting ties, it is your time to try and feel good about yourself and re-establish the confidence and friendship within yourself.