To take accountability for a mistake that you did – that was in your control – is not a wrong thing. Quite the opposite actually, it is a great thing. It means that you are strong enough to admit to a mistake you have made. What if this mistake is not yours? What if this mistake is out of your control? What if this mistake is a mistake that you did not see coming? The minute you begin to blame yourself for problems that are out of your hands is the very same minute you begin hurting yourself. That is what is wrong with self-blame. We tend to blame ourselves for many miniature issues that come our way, even when they are not even our issue to begin with. Self-blame takes us down a road of never-ending guilt and shame, and that is a road that we may not want to go through, because it is painful and causes us multiple heartaches.
What do we mean by self-blame?
Self-blame, to put it simply, is the emotional abuse that we put ourselves in. We degrade ourselves the minute we start shaming ourselves and blaming ourselves for a problem that was not even ours to begin with. Self-blame as a phenomenon is very broad, and it comes in various forms. Sometimes the problem is feelings that “are not supposed to be felt at that particular time”, and then comes in the self-blame for feeling the way we felt! Other times, the problem comes from a friend getting irritated because of an issue, and you feel bad for it, and result in blaming yourself for your their problem. Or, when you do not get a promotion you so badly wanted, self-blame comes here too: maybe if you would have tried harder or proved yourself in an alternative way, you would have gotten it. The common factor between all these situations that you may find yourself in is that these are all situations that you cannot control.
Where does self-blame come from?
Self-blame stems from many areas in our lives. You could be living in a home that makes you believe that you are worthless and ingrains guilt in you. You could have dealt with abandonment issues in your life. You could have had a past trauma that also caused you to doubt and self-blame. Self-blame is also associated with anxiety. Your overwhelming thoughts could work against you sometimes and make you second guess things about yourself. Children with disabilities also indulge in self-blame and guilt. Additionally, those with survivors’ guilt tend to indulge in self-blame. Self-blame can pretty much happen to anyone. In fact, many do it unconsciously to a point that it becomes normalized, when clearly it is problematic.
Self-blame is a spiral down a hate-filled road that only results in more shame, self-blame, and dislike, too. Be aware of its poisonous routes and know that you must get out of it. Whenever you indulge in self-blame, pause and take a second to reflect. Ask yourself, “why am I saying this to myself?” Find the source of the problem and tackle it head on. Change your attitude towards fixing a problem, and do not let your self-blame override the control you do have over yourself.